Ahoy, matey! Ever have one of those days where the sea of life feels a little too wavy? Maybe your ship’s run aground on a Monday, or a kraken of stress is giving you trouble. Well, we’ve got the perfect life raft for you: laughter.
Forget the treasure maps for a second, because the real gold is right here. We’ve plundered every corner of the seven seas to assemble this legendary collection of pirate jokes. Whether you’re a seasoned sea dog with a hearty “Yo Ho Ho!” or a young scallywag just learning the ropes, we promise there’s a joke in here that’ll make you smile. So, batten down the hatches and get ready to dive in. The only thing you’ll be walking is the plank of pure giggles
Best Pirate Jokes: Yo Ho Ho Hilarity.
- Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore anyway! - What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it’s “R,” but it’s the C they love most! - Why did the pirate quit his job?
He couldn’t arrr-gue with the boss anymore! - How do pirates know they’re pirates?
They think, therefore they Arrr! - What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie! - Why was the pirate always calm during storms?
Because he had inner peace… and a really strong anchor! - What’s a pirate’s least favorite chore?
Swabbing the deck—it’s a real drag! - Why did the pirate get kicked out of the comedy club?
All his jokes were too booty-ful! - What do you call a pirate who loves math?
Alge-buccaneer! - Why don’t pirates ever get lost?
Because every direction is port or starboard—and they always follow their gut!
Funny Pirate Dad Jokes: Grog-Worthy Groans.
- I told my son a pirate joke…
He said, “Dad, that’s ship-shaped awful!” - Why did the pirate dad bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house! - What do you call a pirate father who fixes cars?
A mechanic-arr! - Why don’t pirate dads ever lose at hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when they’ve got an eye on you! - My pirate dad tried to teach me to whistle…
But all I learned was how to say “Arrr” with a mouthful of grog! - Why did the pirate dad take his kid to the beach?
To teach him the ropes! - What’s a pirate dad’s favorite bedtime story?
The Very Hungry Parrot! - Why did the pirate dad get a gold star?
Because he always nails the treasure map! - What do you call a pirate who’s also a chef?
Gordon Rams-arr! - Why did the pirate dad refuse to play cards?
He was afraid of deck hands!
Clean Pirate Jokes for Kids: Little Buccaneer Banter.
- What do baby pirates say instead of “mama”?
Mamaaaatey! - Why did the pirate bring a pencil to the island?
In case he needed to draw a map! - What’s a pirate’s favorite snack?
Goldfish crackers! - Why don’t pirates use bookmarks?
They prefer treasure maps! - What do you call a pirate who sings in the shower?
Shower Cap’n! - Why did the pirate go to school?
To learn his A-B-C’s… and his Arrr-B-C’s! - What’s a pirate’s favorite game?
Hide and Sea-k! - Why did the pirate wear sunglasses?
Because the sun was too bright for his treasure hunt! - What do pirates say on their birthdays?
“Many happy tides!” - Why did the pirate bring a teddy bear to sea?
So he’d never be alone on the ocean!
Clever Pirate Puns for Instagram: #ShiverMeTimbers
- Not all who wander are lost… some are just looking for buried Wi-Fi. 📶 #PirateLife
- My therapist says I have commitment issues… so I joined a crew with no port calls. ⚓ #SaltySoul
- Currently accepting applications for first mates who bring snacks. 🥧 #CrewWanted
- I don’t need therapy—I have a parrot who repeats everything I say. 🦜 #FreeCounseling
- Living that “finders keepers” lifestyle since 1692. 💰 #TreasureHunter
- My love language? Sharing the last coconut on the island. 🥥 #RomanticRogue
- I’m not late—I’m on pirate time. Which is never. ⏳ #FashionablyArrr
- Just a scallywag with a dream and a slightly damp map. 🗺️ #Goals
- Sunk costs don’t scare me—I’ve lost three ships and still sail. 🌊 #ResilientBuccaneer
- My spirit animal is a kraken… because I’m always deep in drama. 🦑 #OceanVibes
Pirate Animal Jokes: Critter Crew Comedy.
- Why did the pirate hire a monkey as his first mate?
Because it never monkeyed around with the treasure! - What do you call a pirate octopus?
Eight-armed Eddie—he’s great at multitasking! - Why don’t pirates trust seagulls?
They’re always stealing their fish and caw-ing about it! - What’s a pirate’s favorite dog breed?
Arrr-madillos! (Okay, fine—Labra-dors!) - Why did the crab join the pirate crew?
He had a claw-some attitude and loved pinching gold! - What do you call a pirate shark?
Captain Jaws! - Why did the pirate bring a sloth on board?
To remind everyone: slow and steady wins the treasure! - What’s a pirate’s least favorite animal?
Landlubbers—especially squirrels! - Why did the dolphin become a pirate?
He loved doing flips for doubloons! - What do you call a pirate cow?
Moo-teiny!
Talking Parrot Pirate Jokes: Polly Wants a Cracker & a Laugh!
- Pirate: “Polly, why’d you steal my hat?”
Parrot: “Because you never let me wear it, you feather-brained fool!” - Why did the parrot get promoted to captain?
Because it could squawk orders better than anyone! - Pirate: “Polly, repeat after me: ‘I am loyal.’”
Parrot: “I am loyal… to the highest bidder!” - What did the parrot say when the pirate asked for fashion advice?
“Black. Always black. And maybe lose the eyeliner, Cap’n.” - Why don’t pirates play poker with parrots?
They’re always folding with a straight face! - Pirate: “Polly, what’s 2 + 2?”
Parrot: “If it’s doubloons, I’ll say 5!” - What’s a parrot’s favorite pirate song?
“I Want It That Way”… by the Backstreet Buccaneers! - Why did the parrot start a podcast?
Because everyone kept saying, “Talk, Polly, talk!” - Pirate: “Polly, where’s my treasure?”
Parrot: “Same place as your dignity—buried!” - What do you call a parrot who tells jokes?
Comedi-hen!
Treasure Chest of Short Pirate Jokes: Quick Plunder Puns.
- I’m reading a book about anti-piracy…
It’s riveting!
- Pirates hate gardening.
Too much raking! - Why did the pirate go to art school?
To learn still life with doubloons! - My pirate GPS says:
“In 500 paces, turn left at the kraken.” - Pirate diet tip:
Eat like you’re walking the plank—light and balanced!
- What’s a pirate’s favorite app?
Tinder… for treasure maps!
- Why was the pirate bad at texting?
He kept sending Arrr-ticles instead of articles! - Pirates don’t believe in ghosting…
They prefer ghost ships! - What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise?
Plank-ing! - Why don’t pirates use bookmarks?
They prefer X marks the spot!
Skeleton Crew Jokes: Bone-afide Boo-tiful Humor.
- Why did the skeleton pirate get kicked out of the bar?
He had no body to buy him a drink! - What do you call a ghost pirate?
Boo-ccaneer!
- Why don’t skeleton pirates play cards?
They’re afraid of a full house!
- How does a skeleton pirate say hello?
“Bone-jour, matey!” - What’s a skeleton pirate’s favorite instrument?
The trom-bone! - Why was the ghost pirate so calm?
Because he had nothing to lose… not even skin!
- What do you call a haunted pirate ship?
The Boo-tiful Lady! - Why did the skeleton pirate fail his job interview?
He had no body of work!
- What’s a ghost pirate’s favorite dessert?
Boo-berry pie! - Why don’t skeleton pirates ever get seasick?
They’ve got no stomach for it!
Lost Island Pirate Jokes: Castaway Comedy.
- Why did the pirate name his island “Wi-Fi”?
Because he kept yelling, “Where’s my signal?!” - What did the stranded pirate miss most?
His Netflix subscription… and clean socks.
- Why did the pirate build a sandcastle?
To prove he wasn’t all washed up!
- What’s a castaway pirate’s favorite game?
Island-olation! - Why did the pirate talk to a coconut?
Because it was the only one who listened!
- What did the pirate write in his diary?
“Day 47: Still no pirate rescue. Only seagulls. Sigh.” - Why did the pirate start a coconut stand?
Business was nut-thing! - What’s a stranded pirate’s least favorite sound?
Silence… and the occasional crab pinch. - Why did the pirate name his pet hermit crab “Steve”?
Because it shell-ebrates his birthday! - What do you call a pirate who’s been on an island too long?
Sun-dered!
Pirate vs. Ninja Jokes: Swashbuckling Showdown.
- Why did the pirate lose the fight to the ninja?
Because the ninja vanished… and took his treasure! - What do you get when you cross a pirate and a ninja?
Silent but deadly… and very well-dressed!
- Pirate: “I’ve got a sword!”
Ninja: “I’ve got stealth.”
Pirate: “…Do you have snacks?” - Why don’t pirates and ninjas hang out?
One’s all flash, the other’s all shadow!
- Who wins in a staring contest: pirate or ninja?
The ninja—he blinks first… because he’s invisible! - What’s a pirate’s complaint about ninjas?
“They never say ‘Arrr’—just poof!” - Why did the ninja apply to be a pirate?
He heard the booty was legendary! - Pirate vs. Ninja cooking show:
Pirate burns the stew. Ninja steams it perfectly. - What’s the difference between a pirate and a ninja at a party?
The pirate yells “Arrr!” The ninja was never there. - Why did the pirate challenge the ninja to chess?
Because he heard ninjas knight moves!
Rum-Soaked Pirate Bar Jokes: Pub Plunder Puns.
- Why did the pirate open a bar?
Because he couldn’t resist the spirits!
- What’s a pirate’s favorite cocktail?
The Arrr-nold Palmer—half rum, half regret! - Bartender: “Name your poison.”
Pirate: “The Kraken’s Kiss… and keep ‘em coming!”
- Why don’t pirates do karaoke?
Every song ends with “…and then I walked the plank!”
- What’s written on a pirate’s tab?
“IOU… your soul (and 12 rums).” - Why was the pirate banned from the tavern?
He kept trying to pay with doubloons… and stories.
- What do you call a sober pirate?
A myth! - Pirate walks into a bar…
The bar walks into him—he’s that unsteady! - Why did the pirate start a rum review blog?
To give spirited opinions!
- What’s a pirate’s last words at the bar?
“One more for the road… to Davy Jones’ Locker!”
Classic Old-School Pirate Jokes: Aye-Aye Anekdotes.
- Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum—
That’s how you start the day… and end it!
- What did pirates say before GPS?
“Dead men tell no tales… but maps do!”
- Why did Blackbeard never get parking tickets?
Because he always anchored legally!
- What’s a pirate’s favorite Shakespeare play?
The Tempest—lots of stormy drama!
- Why did the pirate wear three hats?
Fashion, function, and fear!
- What’s the oldest pirate joke?
“Why’d the chicken cross the plank?”
“To get to the other tide!” - How did pirates send love letters?
In bottles… with X marks the heart! - What’s a pirate’s favorite musical note?
Arrr-sharp!
- Why did the pirate always carry a compass?
To stay true north… and avoid true love!
- What did the pirate say to his ship?
“You complete me… and also leak.”
Old Pirate Jokes That Never Get Old: Ageless Arrr-tistry.
- I’m not old—I’m vintage, like a fine rum!
- Why did the 90-year-old pirate still sail?
Because retirement is for landlubbers! - What do you call a pirate who’s 100 years old?
Captain Centen-arr!
- My pirate grandpa still walks the plank…
But only to check the mail!
- Why don’t old pirates use smartphones?
They prefer scrolls!
- What’s an old pirate’s favorite exercise?
Telling tall tales—it works the lungs! - Why did the elderly pirate refuse a peg leg?
Said his original leg had character! - What do you call a retired pirate?
A pension-arr! - Why did the old pirate keep a diary?
So he wouldn’t forget where he buried his teeth!
- What’s an old pirate’s motto?
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… unless it’s your hip.”
Smart Pirate Jokes for Pun Lovers: Treasure Trove of Wit.
- Why did the pirate become a linguist?
He loved pirate syntax: “Me want gold!”
- What’s a pirate’s favorite literary device?
Metaphor—because “the sea is a jealous mistress”!
- Why did the pirate study philosophy?
To ponder: “If a ship sinks in the ocean and no one hears it… does it make a splash?” - What do you call a pirate economist?
Adam Smith-arr! - Why was the pirate bad at geometry?
He couldn’t find the right angle… only the right plank! - What’s a pirate’s favorite type of logic?
Treasure-ductive reasoning! - Why did the pirate love poetry?
Because iambic pentameter sounds like waves!
- What’s a pirate’s take on quantum physics?
“Until you open the chest, the doubloon is both there and not there!”
- Why did the pirate quote Shakespeare?
“To plunder or not to plunder—that is the question!”
- What’s a pirate’s favorite paradox?
“This statement is false… like my treasure map!”
Sea Captain and Pirate Jokes: High Seas Hi-Jinks.
- Captain: “You’re under arrest for piracy!”
Pirate: “On whose authority?”
Captain: “The Queen’s!”
Pirate: “I only answer to Rum!” - Why don’t sea captains and pirates play chess?
The pirate always takes the king! - Captain: “Why are you stealing my cargo?”
Pirate: “It’s not stealing—it’s revenue redistribution!”
- What do you call a pirate who becomes a sea captain?
Promoted… or undercover!
- Why did the sea captain hire a pirate?
Needed someone who really knew the ropes!
- Captain: “You’ll hang for this!”
Pirate: “Only if the knot holds!” - What’s the difference between a sea captain and a pirate?
One has a license… the other has a better hat. - Why did the pirate apply to the navy?
He heard they had free uniforms!
- Captain: “Surrender your ship!”
Pirate: “Make me!”
Captain: sighs “Fine. But you’re doing dishes.” - What do sea captains whisper at night?
“Please don’t let the pirates find us…”
Dark Pirate Humor (Still Safe for Work): Edgy Emerald Gags.
- My therapist says I have abandonment issues…
So I sank my last three crews.
- Why did the pirate start a support group?
“Scallywags Anonymous”—we meet under the gallows.
- What’s a pirate’s favorite type of feedback?
Silent… like the ocean after a mutiny. - I don’t believe in ghosts…
But I do believe in unpaid debts.
- Why did the pirate write his will in invisible ink?
So only the worthy would find it… or no one.
- What’s more terrifying than a kraken?
A pirate who’s run out of rum. - My dating profile says:
“Likes long walks on the plank and deep conversations in Davy Jones’ Locker.” - Why don’t pirates believe in second chances?
First impressions are usually from the crow’s nest… with a cannon.
- What’s a pirate’s idea of a fair trial?
“Guilty. Next!”
- I told my crew a joke about mutiny…
They’re still considering it.
Under the Sea Pirate Jokes: Ocean Floor Funnies.
- Why don’t pirates date mermaids?
They’re afraid of commitment… and barnacles. - What did the pirate say to the octopus?
“Eight arms? Show-off.”
- Why did the mermaid join the pirate crew?
She heard they had great legs… for others.
- What’s a pirate’s favorite sea creature?
The loan shark!
- Why did the pirate avoid the coral reef?
Too many sharp personalities! - What do you call a pirate who lives underwater?
Davy Jones’ roommate!
- Why don’t pirates trust jellyfish?
They’re stingy with the treasure!
- What’s a mermaid’s complaint about pirates?
“They never call… they just drop anchor!”
- Why did the pirate adopt a seahorse?
Needed a steed that matched his slow lifestyle!
- What’s a pirate’s least favorite tide?
Low tide—exposes all his secrets!
Message in a Bottle Jokes: Washed Ashore Wit.
- Found a message in a bottle:
“Send help. Also, rum. And socks. Mostly rum.” — Cap’n Barnaby
- Message in a bottle read:
“If you find this, I’ve been marooned. Please send rescue… or at least a good book.” - Bottle message:
“I’ve discovered the fountain of youth! It’s just seawater and denial.” - Found note:
“X doesn’t mark the spot. The spot moved. Send GPS.” - Message:
“My parrot’s taken over the ship. Send crackers… and negotiators.” - Bottle said:
“Tell my wife I’m not dead—I’m just really bad at directions.”
- Note read:
“If you’re reading this, you’re closer to treasure than I am. Good luck!” - Message:
“Warning: Island ahead is full of vegan pirates. Bring meat.” - Found in a bottle:
“I’ve been talking to a coconut for 3 weeks. Send friends… or a therapist.”
- Last words in a bottle:
“Should’ve studied cartography…”
Late Pirate Jokes: Always Arrr-iving Late!
- Why was the pirate late to the treasure hunt?
Lost the map… again. - Pirate excuse for being late:
“The kraken held me up!”
- Why did the pirate miss the meeting?
He was walking the plank… for fashion reasons.
- What’s a pirate’s favorite time?
“Sometime after rum o’clock.” - Why was the pirate late to his own mutiny?
He forgot where he parked the ship!
Bonus Jokes to Hit 184+!
- Pirate Technology Joke:
Why did the pirate get bad Wi-Fi?
Because he kept dropping the connection overboard!
- Vacation Pirate Joke:
What did the pirate do on vacation?
Sat on a beach… and complained about the lack of plank-walking.
- Pirate Job Interview Joke:
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Pirate: “In Davy Jones’ Locker… or CEO. Same thing.”
- Beach Day Joke:
Why don’t pirates build sandcastles?
They prefer real castles… filled with gold! - Halloween Pirate Joke:
What do you call a pirate zombie?
The Un-dead Man’s Chest! - Christmas Pirate Joke:
What did the pirate get for Christmas?
A parrot that says “Ho ho ho!” - Knock-Knock Joke:
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Arrr-nold!
Arrnold who?
Arrr-nold Schwarzenegger! “I’ll be plank!” - Pirate Movie Joke:
Why did Jack Sparrow fail his driver’s test?
He kept trying to steer with a compass!
- Birthday Pirate Joke:
Happy Birthday! May your cake be rich and your candles not sink the ship!
- Kids Pirate Joke:
What do pirates say when they’re happy?
“Ship happens… and it’s awesome!” - Stupidly Funny Joke:
Why did the pirate bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house… and he couldn’t reach the roof!
That’s 184+ jokes to keep you laughing on the high seas! Whether you’re looking for family-friendly humor, clever wordplay, or just some good old-fashioned pirate puns, there’s something here for every buccaneer. Share these with your crew and spread the laughter – after all, a pirate’s life should be full of treasure AND giggles! Arrr!
Former farmer from India, current humor farmer in America. I apply the same care to growing jokes that I used to apply to growing crops – with patience, timing, and a deep understanding of what makes people happy.
Background: 15+ years farming, lifetime of making people laugh
